When They React, You Lead: Emotional Intelligence in Officiating

Have you ever been screamed at by a coach in front of a packed gym and had to act like it didn’t phase you?

As a basketball official, I've been there—many times. Since I started in 1996, straight out of high school in Southern California, I’ve learned a lot about the job that has nothing to do with rulebooks or whistles. One of the most important lessons? Knowing when not to respond.

It's something I tell new officials all the time: reactions are a part of the game. They’ll come at you fast and loud—from coaches, players, and fans. What matters is how you respond… or how you choose not to. Staying composed isn't just a skill; it's an art. And it's something you develop the longer you stay in the game.

From Rookie Nerves to Veteran Calm

Let me take you back to 1996—my first season officiating high school ball. I was working a JV doubleheader in Torrance. I called a double-dribble late in the game that pretty much sealed it for the visiting team. The home coach absolutely lost it. “That’s the worst call I’ve seen all year!” he shouted across the court.

I didn’t know what to do. I tried to explain myself, mid-game, over the noise. My voice cracked. I probably made it worse.

I walked off that court rattled. But I also walked off with a lesson: officials can’t let other people’s emotions hijack the game. You can't be confused, thrown off, or held back by how someone else reacts. You’ve got to be steady, no matter what storm hits.

Fast forward to 2025. The atmosphere is electric as I stand poised to officiate a championship game that will decide the district title in Auburn, Washington. The gym is packed, with the crowd’s energy resonating in every corner, each cheer and gasp adding to the palpable tension on the court. In the final moments of the first half, the score is tied, and excitement hangs in the air like a coiled spring.

As the players dash and weave, I make the split-second decision to call an offensive floop, waving off what would have been a game-changing shot. In an instant, the gym falls silent, and all eyes turn to the sidelines, where the coach erupts in a furious outburst, his face a mix of disbelief and rage. “You just cost us everything!” he bellows, his voice echoing through the arena.

Maintaining my composure, I meet his gaze with a calm intensity. “Coach, I understand. Let’s move on.” My words cut through the tension, though he remains agitated, pacing like a caged lion for a moment longer. Yet, I stay centered, refusing to let his anger derail my focus.

As the game progresses, I feel the intensity slowly subside, and I refocus on the players and the flow of the game. We finish strong, and despite that chaotic moment, the atmosphere remains charged—but under control. The experience serves as a reminder of the importance of poise in the face of chaos, ensuring that the game unfolds as it should, with respect and sportsmanship at the forefront.

Why Reactions Don’t Define You

One of the hardest things about officiating is separating your performance from other people’s emotions. You can have a solid game and still get barked at. That doesn’t mean you failed. Coaches and players are under pressure too. Sometimes they’ll lose their composure, and in the heat of competition, that’s understandable.

But our job is different. Our job is to not get swept up in that emotion. I always tell younger officials: don't be shocked by the reactions. Expect them. Prepare for them. And when they happen, stay calm, focused, and professional.

Use Questions, Not Combat: Handling Sideline Frustrations with Presence

By the end of the season, things get tense. Coaches are fatigued. Players are drained. And we, as officials, can feel it too. It’s during those high-pressure moments that how you respond matters most.

When a coach starts shouting about illegal screens—“They’re moving every time!”—you’ve got a few options. You can challenge it, ignore it, or simply nod and say, “I’ll watch it.” I’ve learned that last option goes a long way. It acknowledges their concern without turning it into a confrontation.

Avoid words like “but” or “however”—they tend to cancel out your calm. “Coach, I understand, but…” instantly sounds like I’m brushing them off. I keep it short and neutral.

Sometimes, just listening is enough. If a coach is venting, I let them get it out. A quick nod shows I heard them. No sarcasm.

No lectures. And if it’s sarcastic or baiting? I keep walking. Silence can’t be quoted or misinterpreted.

Humor might help—but be cautious. A smile, raised eyebrow, or light comment like “That’s one way to see it,” can defuse tension. But never joke about calls. That can backfire fast.

And please—never say, “It’s just a game.” For them, it’s not. They’ve poured their time, effort, and emotions into it. That phrase only escalates things.

These quick swaps help maintain respect and control—two things every game needs more of.

Say This, Not That: Handling Game-Time Comments with Control

What They Say	Don’t Say This	Say This Instead	Why It Works
“You’ve got to call that! That’s unbelievable!”	“Relax, Coach!”	“I hear you, we’re moving forward.”	Acknowledges frustration without fueling more.
“That’s a foul! Didn’t you see him hit his arm?”	“I didn’t see anything!”	“I had a clean play from my angle.”	Stays professional and calm under scrutiny.
“Foul count’s 5 to 2. Call it both ways!”	“We don’t call it based on the count.”	“We call what we see. Let’s keep playing.”	Avoids sounding defensive while reinforcing fairness.
“Your partner missed that call. Can’t you help him?”	“That’s his area, not mine.”	“We’ve got it covered. Let’s focus on the next play.”	Maintains crew unity and keeps the energy forward-facing.
“You need to talk to him!”	“He knows what he’s doing.”	“We’re communicating throughout the game.”	Reassures the coach without inflaming the issue.
“I don’t think that’s right. That’s not the rule.”	“Yes it is. I know the rules.”	“I’m confident in the rule interpretation.”	Projects confidence without being confrontational.

Say This, Not That: Smart, Calm Responses to Player Heat

What the Player Says	Don’t Say This	Say This Instead	Why It Works
“That’s a foul! He hit me!”	“Stop complaining.”	“I didn’t see illegal contact there, but I’ll keep an eye.”	Acknowledges the concern, affirms control of the game.
“Ref, can you watch #12? He keeps holding me.”	“Handle it yourself.”	“I’ve got it. Thanks for letting me know.”	Shows you’re engaged and paying attention.
“Your partner isn’t calling anything!”	“Don’t worry about my partner.”	“We’re working together, and I’ll take a look if it continues.”	Reinforces crew unity while addressing the comment respectfully.
“You’re killing us!”	“That’s not my problem.”	“I understand you’re frustrated—let’s keep playing.”	Shows empathy without taking on their emotion.
“That was clean! I didn’t touch him!”	“Yes you did.”	“There was contact from my angle.”	Defends the call without escalating it.
“This is crazy, y’all are trippin’!”	“You’re out of control.”	Neutral glance or silent reset.	Nonverbal discipline can often speak louder than words.

Knowing Who You're Dealing With: The Personalities That Test Your Composure

Over time, you start recognizing certain patterns in people. Here are a few I see often:

The Nibbler

The passive-aggressive expert. Lots of comments, none direct. I address it early: “Coach, I’m hearing the comments. Let’s keep it respectful.” If they keep pushing, I use the tools—warning, technical. Stay calm and above it.

The Steamroller

They try to bulldoze you with volume. I do the opposite—low voice, calm tone, hands behind my back. “So you’re saying that was clean?” That alone slows them down. If not, I act.

The Grudge

They’ve decided they don’t like you. Be ready. Stay professional, courteous, and focused. And if it becomes toxic over time, step away from those assignments.

The Straight-Shooter

Rarely complains. When they do, it’s thoughtful. Listen. You don’t have to agree, but don’t shut them down. These are the folks who help build trust over seasons.

How I Keep Composure

• Breathing: One slow inhale goes a long way.

• Neutral Language: “I hear you,” or “We’re good” are simple but powerful.

• Posture: Stand tall. Confident. Visible hands.

• Focus: Don’t let their rollercoaster become yours. Stay in your lane.

The Long View

We’re not just enforcing rules—we’re anchoring the game. Our calm brings consistency. Our restraint brings order. Our professionalism brings trust.

Let the reactions come—they will. But don’t give them the keys to your mindset.

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

Got a sideline moment that tested you—or taught you? Share it below. Let’s keep learning from each other and keep elevating the craft of officiating, one composed call at a time.

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